Update: I’ve Gained Some Weight — Where I am 2 Weeks Later

And what I’m STILL not doing.

A few weeks ago, I shared that I’d put on some weight in the last few months. I also shared what I was going to do about it and what I wasn’t going to do about it.

Two weeks later, I want to share some really deep and vulnerable truths with you about where I am and what I’m doing. The email is deeply honest, but the video will crack you up. *I seriously thought, “Vanessa, do not share that video.”

First, I haven’t weighed myself, and I’m not going to. It doesn’t matter and won’t actually change anything. I’ve been eating more greens, getting to more workouts, and going to bed earlier (though, I still skipped a few this week and slept in…baby steps).

What’s amazing about this is that, despite the fact that I’m sure I haven’t lost any weight, I look better. Specifically, what I mean is that, I look better to myself. Most people believe self-love and confidence come from a change in your body. But I’ve seen in myself and over 100 women that confidence is actually created from trusting yourself. You trust yourself when you follow through on action that’s in alignment with what you want. From there, you create self-respect. And from respect, love grows.

More than that, though, I’ve been taking it extra easy on myself and trying to enjoy life more. This sounds counter-intuitive. When you gain weight, aren’t you supposed to hit everything harder to lose it? I used to believe that. But that would be perpetuating a habit in myself that I’ve been slowly breaking for years and recently explored much more deeply with my coach.

The cycle looks like this: Work super f*cking hard and have no fun until you can’t work anymore, crash, binge, be lazy until you’re so fed up that you get back to working hard. Repeat cycle.

This cycle is dramatically better for me now. Aside from the fun part. Fun is always the last thing I make time for. I can always think of something more important to do. This, I believe, is my last piece of my puzzle for really creating the balance I want for my life.

Here’s what I discovered when I explored this with my coach recently:

I’m going to share a little about my childhood. And while parts of my childhood were really hard, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Even (and especially) the hard parts created who I am. The parts I’m working to change, but also the ones that make me a really awesome and successful person. I’m also incredibly proud of who each of my family members have become and how our family life shaped and changed them.

Parts of my childhood were really challenging, serious, and frightening. This meant, at times, being with discomfort and emotional pain that (to a child) was actually unsurvivable. For a child, it was either too much, too often, or too heavy. So I developed a mental pattern as a survival mechanism — a child’s solution.

It’s my internal little Vanessa. Who, when things got really hard, uncertain, or scary growing up, checked out emotionally and just started being better, in every way she could, so she could “get out of this” faster, sooner, and permanently. She’s afraid to sit still when there’s discomfort. Because in her world, sitting still = unsurvivable pain that doesn’t end.

Patterns like this (those created around love, safety, or belonging) get wired deeply and permanently, until we become aware and change them. Which is why now, as an adult, I struggle to sit still when I feel fear, discomfort, or emotional pain. In my business, this shows up as a need to take action all day, and it’s still not enough. In my body, it has been (no longer) a never-ending quest for abs and a flawless diet.

And if it’s never enough, that means there is never enough time for fun that isn’t also somehow productive.

My takeaway from this conversation with my coach was to sit with the fear. I had a heart-to-heart with little Vanessa. I let her know that we made it. We even help other people now, and my entire family is happy and healthy now, too. We all made it. I also “introduced” her to our awesome, hot, European husband. I shared with her that it’s actually OK to sit with fear, uncertainty, and discomfort now because even though it feels the same, I’m feeling it for different reasons than she did.

**This is important. These patterns are wired by feeling, not what is actually happening. So as an adult, the same feeling can trigger the same pattern or behavior, even though the circumstance doesn’t warrant the same level of survival.**

And I also understand now, more than ever, why prioritizing fun and enjoying life are so much more important than I thought.

No amount of health or productivity are going to erase some of the frightening moments of my life. Mentally checking out and working harder are only going to keep me on my emotional hamster wheel.

Fun isn’t my vision, it’s my path.

So I got up from this coaching conversation and decided to work out, but in a seriously fun way. I (and little Vanessa) love to dance. So instead of leaving the house to go to a class I didn’t feel like going to, I just danced in my living room.

You know I love you if I’m letting you this much into my world. If nothing else, I hope this little sneak peek into my life makes you laugh.

More than that, I hope it inspires you to let your “little one” dance and have some fun before that to-do list gets done.

I don’t know how much I weigh now, and I don’t care. I’m feeling better, energy is on the rise, and I’m choosing to prioritize life and fun over anything. I know as a result of this choice, the weight will come off anyway.

Enjoy….